Confidence

10/05/2007

I am a confident person. I wasn't always, but I can honestly say that I can commit to my current level of confidence today.

When I think about how such confidence was achieved in my life, I often arrive to a memory of a conversation I had with my older brother.

Growing up, my older brother had always been the confidently independent member of the family. Being the oldest, he arrived at all of life's challenges first and - as big brothers so often do - he seemed to shed light on the mysterious milestones for me.

I admire my older brother. Particularly because he has always personified confidence. While I sat in bewilderment, he pressed on - blindly doing the things I couldn't bring myself to do without a bit of worrying and contemplation.

When he turned 18 he bought a motorcycle. He didn't think twice about it. He talked about wanting to do it, and the day he could legally drive one he bought one. I remember I used to sneak into the garage where he kept the motorcycle to sit on it. I imagined driving along, racing past cars and completely immersed in the thrill of it all. If I felt daring that day, I would tip the bike, lift the kick stand and make that revving engine noise to heighten the experience.

I was always careful to put the bike back exactly as it was before my imaginary adventure. I knew how much my brother loved that bike and if I even scratched it, I might not make it to my 15th birthday.

Lessons of a younger brother - leave older brother's stuff alone. If you find the temptation too great, for god's sake don't get caught.

Still, I risked death and/or possible dismemberment because I wanted to be my older brother so badly.

Many years later, I found myself at a bar. My older brother was visiting home, and we had a rare opportunity to sit down and talk about life. He had been living in Tucson and only recently finished the intense Architectural program at Arizona State University. He excelled at it. No surprise.

After the dust settled and my brother found himself with his life-long goals achieved, he began to ask himself the question one asks themselves when they have some extra time on their hands. "What now?"

Then, in what was sure to be a life-altering moment, his confidence escaped him. Only doubt remained. He had never had doubt, and now it sat along side him that night at the bar looming over everything. He found himself talking to his younger brother, me, about this new unwelcome companion.

I remember being disturbed by the whole conversation. This was my older brother. His infallibility destroyed over a Corona. What happened? How did he let himself get to this point?

I remember removing myself from the conversation, for fear that somehow if I listened too closely, I might also contract this infectious disposition.

As I checked back into the conversation, the spewing of insecurity intensified. I quickly realized there was no escaping it, I was going to have to respond. We had entered bazaaro world - he wanted my advice. I better come up with something quick.

And then I did. I opened my mouth and out came the appropriate analogy. Looking back on it now, I really had no idea what I was going to say until I actually said it. I could have just as easily said an inconceivable and unrecognizable string of random words. Instead I invented an impromptu doctrine in the bar that night. One I still refer to today.

I work well under pressure.

I opened the conversation with a recognition and a validation to his problem. It went something like this.

"You've always had confidence in your life. And now that your confidence is shaken - it's naturally going to be pretty dramatic for you."

I reached for my beer - stalling for more time to think about what to say next. Then I moved into an analogy about a ship, which I will spare you... but trust me it was applicable at the time. I topped it all off with a declaration - unobtainable to him at the time.

"...but remember confidence is a state of being. And like all such things, it is not constant. Although now it may seem like confidence will never return, it will. In the meantime, remember that an important part of confidence is revealed when it is absent from our lives. Use this time of doubt to your advantage. Now is the time when you need to make your course corrections. Once you find yourself back on track, confidence will return and you'll wonder how it ever went away.

We can't go through life questioning everything. But we also can't go through life blindly ignorant to the proof of pondering.

Confidence unquestioned is not confidence at all, it's cockiness, arrogance or entitlement. All bad traits sure to be our undoing."

After the last words left my mouth a rush of appeasement came over me. I reached for my beer again - this time a celebratory swig. I remained silent and watched as my brother nodded his head, in the way one nods their head when they're piecing it all together.

I haven't been the same since.

Two weeks ago, I almost died. Okay I didn't actually almost die, but I was in a pretty scary situation. I was on the interstate, riding my motorcycle at night in heavy traffic going about 90/mph. Suddenly my instrument panel when dark, then my lights went out. I was riding in the dark as semi trucks flew by me. I had to merge into the adjacent lane so I could then safely pull over. Difficult to do, when you're not being seen by the traffic around you. In such situations the sense of small is quite obvious.

A close call. Obviously I'm still alive, so it all worked out. As soon as my motorcycle was fixed I was back on the interstate that very night.

Never let your fears stop you from doing the things you love to do.

The other thing that happened within the last two weeks was that I went on a date. Recently single, it's been a while. The day after the date I had this rush of concern and anxiety. My confidence was shaken. I can't quite say why. The date went well. It just happened, randomly the next morning as I was shaving.

Near-death? No problem. Day after contemplation and we've got a problem for some reason. I'm still figuring that part out.

You might question my reasoning for mentioning that moment of weakness. Perhaps I should have just ended with the motorcycle story. After all, it hardly illustrates the characteristics of someone who calls himself confident. What about never letting people see your weaker side? Aren't you supposed to bury that deep down and project only success and confidence to the rest of the world?

Sure, if I wanted you to believe I was a robot. Nope, I'm human, I just checked. And as long as I am, I'm going to fail sometimes. It happens to the best of us. Why avoid talking about it? With a healthy positive attitude doubt won't last long. That morning I had time to shave and doubt at the same time. And despite our fears to the contrary, doubt is not infectious.

Share your failures with your competitors. In other words, burn the raft, it's a great motivator to learn how to swim.

As I said, I'm a confident person, I have been for some time now. I welcome doubt. It's the only way I know I've got what it takes to overcome it.

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