Seed Spitting

09/12/2007

Over the past few weeks, I've been going through some of my old emails, deleting and archiving. I do this about once a year, and always seem to end up spending more time reading the old emails then deleting. As anyone who knows me will tell you, I find myself funny. Yup, I'm that guy, the guy who sits in his cubical, laughing at his own jokes. I'll pause for a moment to allow you the chance to fully grasp how pathetic that is.

Done? Good, let's move on.

Recently, I found this email that I sent to a few people at Malcolm Advertising when it was made known to me that one of our coworkers won a Watermelon seed spitting contest. It was a Monday, and she arrived with trophy in hand, which of course was shaped as a bit watermelon seed. I don't know why, but I found the whole idea funny, and envisioned this crazy story, to which I committed to an email.

I've changed the names, to protect the innocent. Please read and enjoy.

I think it was Captain Jean-Luc Picard who once said, evolution is a process which takes millions and millions of years, but every once and a while it takes a giant leap forward.

This past weekend one such leap occurred at the Annual U.S. Watermelon Seed Spitting Contest -- Women's Division. Born from the midst of mediocrity arose a champion true in heart and dedicated to one undeniable goal... to spit a watermelon seed farther then any other women - in the world!

That champion was none other then our own Shannon Clayton. Shannon, formally known for such accomplishments as best attendance record and the only Malcolm employee to hook up with a bartender at a Christmas party, has now earned a new title, "Watermelon Seed Spitting Champion."

"I did my usual morning routine." Clayton recalls. "I kept saying to myself, this is just another day, nothing different to think about.... It was a humid morning, I remember that. I woke up, got dressed, walked past my lucky watermelon, and went out to do my 4:30AM watermelon seed spitting practice as usual."

"My neighbor, Carol, was already out practicing for her frisbee teeth catching contest and I remember admiring her dedication as she leapt from her porch catching the frisbees over and over again -- with her teeth. We train hard in my [neighbor]hood. It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I got's to spit me up some seeds... you know?"

Arriving at the contest, Shannon experienced her first set back, a sore left wrist. "It was my own fault, I shouldn't have been handling my own melon, that's why I have a melon caddie" Shannon explained. "But, it's all a part of being a professional. You have to just put those injuries out of your mind and do what you do best. In my case that's spit'in seeds."

"You see these kind of injuries occur all the time with Pumpkin seed spitters. They over rotate the seed... because the Pumpkin seed is much flatter then the watermelon seed, you'll see more back injuries from those guys. It's a dangerous sport." Clayton warned.

Shannon later explained that the wrist is the part of the body which has a profound affect on the rotational direction of the propelled seed. A slight miscalculation in position, and the seed will have an improper rotation causing it to hook in one direction when spat.

As the time to perform came near, Shannon recalls falling into a deep sense of concentration. "I kind of had this deep sense of concentration." Clayton expounded.

Shannon would challenge all other champion spitters that day. 30 spitters total, from all over the globe came to compete.

As her time to spit drew near, she knelt down, clutched a handful of dirt and let it fall between her fingers. She looked upward marked the placement of the sun, gauged the wind and made her final preparations. A slight bob of the head from side to side as she fell into her spitting stance.

The announcer called attention to her unusual stance. A slight bend in her left knee, her right leg completely straight as she crouched in what can only be described as a cross between a tennis, bowling and a shot-put stance gone wrong.

The announcement of her name caused a series of cheers and jeers from the collected crowd. Many people were there hoping to take that trophy home, but Shannon knew there could only be one champion that day, and she didn't spit with the best to give up now.

At the whistle, witness later would say that her technique was a mixture of ballet, field hockey and possibly something one might do to corner a gopher all mixed together. Twists and turns combined with the occasional crow caw all increasingly faster lead to two quick-steps, a flare of the left arm and a seizure-like shaking throughout her entire body.

At the end of the movements a stance exuded over her of eerily dampening proportions. The audience fell silent. Then it happened. History. Seed-spitting history. Shannon's face and head shot forward arms to her side as she took on a statue-like stance only seen in such cartoon classics and the hoods of really expensive cars. A distinct tightening of her face, eyes wide, followed with a contraction of every muscle within her body.

Out came the seed! Instantly Clayton collapsed to the ground. The seed continued onward in the proper direction. Arching appropriately. Trajectory true. 21.5 feet later the seed finally came to rest on the earth.

The field judge who was responsible for marking the seed would later say "You know how in baseball when you see some little guy come up to bat and someone from the in-field yells, 'move in closer, move in closer!' to the outfielders?' Well I had totally listened to her dad in the audience and moved in closer... I was a good five to seven feet too close. I had to walk way over there (he points to a spot on the ground five feet away) to mark her seed."

As history would later record, 21.5 feet would be enough to win the title of "U.S. Watermelon Seed Spitting Champion -- Women's Division." Unbeknownst to Shannon, she not only spat to win the title that day, she spat to win our hearts.

Congratulations Shannon, you spat on our hearts...

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