Area of Rescue

11/09/2007

A few weeks ago I received a delivery from FedEX. While signing for the package, the delivery girl pointed up to the hallway ceiling in my apartment building and asked... "What does 'area of rescue' mean?"

A valid question, I thought.

As she remained in a pointed stance, I noticed the sign to which she referred to. It hung adjacent to the hallway "exit" sign and was similarly illuminated. It read, simply, "Area of Rescue" in big bold red letters. I finished signing her handheld contraption and returned the fake pen so that I could get a better look at this supposed sign.

As I gazed in bewilderment at the fluctuating intensity of its message, it occurred to me that I have lived in this apartment building for three years and I've never once noticed that sign. I looked for an accompaniment to the sign, perhaps a wall hanging that might further explain the simplistic declaration put forth by the the sign in question. Nothing could be found.

After sharing a laugh with the FedEX girl, I promptly retreated to my apartment.

A few days after, I was leaving my place and happened to catch this sign hanging just outside of my apartment door. Again, I looked for indications that perhaps the sign had just recently been installed. I was unable to see any such evidence, in fact to the contrary, upon closer inspection it seemed like this thing has been broadcasting its message as long as his little friend, the exit sign, had.

So what exactly are my responsibilities with this area of rescue thing?

I mean am I supposed to keep some extra cheese and crackers on hand just in case some stuff goes down and there happens to be a group of people hanging outside my place awaiting rescue? People gotta eat. Who knows how long it takes for the rescuers to cycle through these predefined areas of rescue. It could be days before they show up. How long am I expected to play host to these people while they wait?

I must admit, I'm a little disappointed that I wasn't made aware that my apartment would be subject, through proximity, to such responsibility. When I fly and I'm sitting next to the exit, the flight attendant tells me of my obligations and makes that all important disclaimer "if you feel you are unable to perform the duties we'll get someone else, blah, blah, blah."

Where was my disclaimer?

Didn't get one. That's where.

When I was originally touring the apartment, they happily showed me the pool, Jacuzzi, and workout facilities. Spent a good deal of time talking about those amenities as I remember. And yet, not a word of the assumed duties that I now have been burdened by. I checked my welcome packet, with the copy of the signed lease, no mention at all about the "area of rescue" apartment. Nope. Saw the telephone number for the masseuse, the free continental breakfast times and the key combo to the club house, but no instructional pamphlet with those cool stick people, illustrating the procedures one needs to perform in the event of an emergency. Am I missing something here?

To be honest, I'm not sure I'm wild about the whole idea of people loitering just outside my place awaiting rescue. I already having problems with people parking in my assigned spot in the underground garage, isn't that enough? Do I have to dedicate my entire side of the hallway to the cause of rescue as well? I mean the stairs are right there people, if you made it that far, can't your take the extra twelve steps to the outside world and convene in the parking lot somewhere? I'm not trying to be insensitive here, I'm just throwing out some options for us all to consider.

Because you just know there's going to be that guy who's going to knock on my door asking to use the bathroom while everyone else is patiently awaiting rescue. He'll just keep knocking and knocking away until I answer. Perhaps yelling through the door, encouraging me to acknowledge that I hear him. I can just see it now, eventually the door to my apartment will be propped open and I'll have 30 unwanted guests watching TV and helping themselves to the food in the fridge. What is this, college? Am I expected to throw an impromptu kegger here? Unacceptable.

So then, to the occupants of my building to whom may be in need of potential rescue, consider yourself forewarned. I typically keep a six pack of beer, about six bottles of wine and maybe a bottle of Vodka in the freezer, and that is it! I am not running to the store to sponsor the drinking habits of the disenfranchised. If you live in my building and you need to be rescued, have the foresight to BYOB okay? Oh, and if you happen to have some Tequila bring that, I need to use up that half bottle of Margarita mix in the fridge. I'd also recommend bringing a pillow or perhaps a blanket. Because these items will not be supplied by the occupant of #214 (a.k.a Area Rescue Guy).

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